GFM.  GROWN FOLK MUSIC

I HAD A STROKE AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE- part 1

STROKE I HAD A STROKE AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE-part 1

    I REMEMBER BEING AT MY STATION EXPLAINING POLICY TO A BELLIGERENT PATIENT. I HAD NOT BEEN ABLE TO GET UP DUE TO THE DEMANDS OF THE PATIENT LOAD AND THE STAFFING NEEDS. WHEN I FINALLY DID GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO THE FACILITY. I WALKED NORMALLY AS I DO TOWARDS THE RESTROOM .  AS I WALKED IN I BEGAN TO FILL OFF CENTER, AS IF SOME ONE HAD PUSHED ME. THEN I REMEMBER SEEING THE FEET OF THE COMPANIES LOGISTICS SPECIALIST. SO, I ASKED HIM FOR HELP. I REMEMBER ALL OF A SUDDEN FEELING PARTIALLY CONNECTED. FEELING THE USE OF MY HAND AND FEET LEAVING AS THE COMMANDS I GAVE THEM WENT UNHEARD. I WAS ALL AT ONCE SCARED BUT NOT IN A SELFISH WAY. I WAS ALL OF A SUDDEN OVERWHELMED AND CONCERNED WITH THE GRIEF OF ALL THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME IN THE WORLD. IF I WAS GOING TO DIE. I WANTED IT TO HAPPEN. I DID NOT WANT TO BE A BURDEN. I KNOW THAT I WAS BEING QUESTIONED BY THE NURSES AND DOCTORS AT MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. I HEARD SOMEONE SAY THAT I WAS HAVING A STROKE.

I RECALL COGNITIVE QUESTIONS. LIKE RAISE YOUR  LEFT HAND. THEN I WOKE UP IN THE HOSPITAL. I FELT THE PAIN OF THE I.V. IN ONE ARM BUT NOT THE OTHER. MY FRIEND VON STARTED YELLING MY NAME TO GET ME TO RESPOND TO THE DOCTORS QUESTIONS.  APPARENTLY AT ONE POINT A DOCTOR ASKED ME TO CONSENT TO A CLOT BUSTING DRUG. ALL I KNOW IS THAT BY THE MERCY OF THE CREATOR; I SAID “YES”. THANKFULLY SO, BECAUSE IT DID WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO DO AND DESTROYED  THE CLOT IN MY BRAIN. ON A SCALE OF 1-20. I WAS DIAGNOSED AS AN 18.  LITERALLY I HAD A MASSIVE STROKE. I BLACKED OUT AGAIN AND WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS IN A  ROOM. FULLY HOOKED UP TO MONITORS. WITH NEEDLES IN BOTH ARMS. WHEN I LOOKED TO THE LEFT I COULD SEE MY MOTHER, MY SISTER . I HEARD THE VOICE OF FRIEND AND  SMILED.  I WAS IN HOSPITAL ROOM. A PLACE I DREADED MORE THAN ANY ONE KNEW. EVEN THOUGH I WORKED IN A MEDICAL INSTITUTION. I HAD A FULL BLOWN CASE OF WHITE COAT SYNDROME.

HERE I GO

 

AS MY PRIMARY COGNITION STARTED TO COME BACK, SO DID MY FEARS.  MAYBE THEY COULD SEE IT IN MY FACE.  I WAS REASSURED LOVINGLY BY A FRIEND OF MINE COURTNEY.  SHE REMINDED ME THAT I WAS STILL HERE AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERED. THEY ATTEMPTED TO KEEP ME IN GOOD SPIRITS. I REALIZED THAT THEY WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE SOON AND I WOULD BE ALONE AND INCAPCITATED. THE THING I DISLIKED THE MOST. THEN I REALIZED THAT I STILL HAD THE CAPACITY TO THINK. THAT’S WHAT I DID AS LONG AS I COULD THAT NIGHT.  I THOUGHT ABOUT THE PAST AND MISTAKES I HAVE MADE. I THOUGHT ABOUT LOSING MY ABILITY TO USE MY HANDS AND FEET. SO, I TRIED TO GET UP THAT NIGHT. JUST TO CHECK. THAT WAS FORTUNATELY STOPPED BY THE NURSE JUST IN TIME. 

I THOUGHT ABOUT MY REASON FOR STILL BEING HERE?  THINKING THAT IF THE CREATOR HAS TAKEN ME THIS FAR. THAT I MUST HAVE WORK TO DO. I HAD A CONVERSATION WITH MY CREATOR THAT NIGHT. I DON’T REMEMBER FALLING ASLEEP BUT I DO REMEMBER WAKING UP TO MY BEST FRIEND VON.  HE WAS REMINDING ME TO BE THANKFUL. TELLING ME THAT I AM A MIRACLE AS PER THE DOCTORS. TELLING ME THAT I HAVE MORE LOVE IN THIS WORLD THAN I KNOW.ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS GETTING OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. THE NURSE ATTENDANTS CAME IN SO I TRIED TO ACT AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED TO ME. THEN I NOTICED THAT EVERYTHING I WANTED MY BODY TO DO WAS A TASK. I HAD TO COMMAND MY ARMS TO MOVE AND MY LEGS TO MOVE. THE SUBCONSCIOUS PART OF THOSE PROCESSES WAS GONE. I COULDN’T TELL THEM THAT IF I WANTED TO LEAVE THE HOSPITAL. SO I USED ALL MY CONCENTRATION TO DO JUST AS THEY ASKED. I EVEN FAKED FEELING A PIN PRICK. THAT’S HOW MUCH I WANTED TO GO.

 

KIND OF FREE

ABOUT 1 HOUR LATER A NURSE CAME BACK TO TELL US THAT IF EVERYTHING CHECKED OUT THAT AFTERNOON. I COULD POSSIBLY BE DISCHARGED. SHE ALSO TOLD ME THAT I HAVE A SCRIPT TO TAKE. I WOULD FIND OUT LATER. THAT THIS MEDICATION WOULD PROBABLY BE APART OF MY LIFE FOREVER. I WAS TOLD THAT I HAD A CHOLESTEROL SPIKE. THAT THE MEDICATION WAS A BLOOD THINNER. I WAS ALSO TOLD MY DIET WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE AS WELL. AROUND 2:30PM THE DOCTOR AND HIS TEAM CAME BACK TO CONGRATULATE ME ON PULLING THROUGH.  HE ALSO REITERATED THAT I WAS A MIRACLE. HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS AMAZED BY MY TURNAROUND. I WAS RELEASED WITH MEDICATIONS IN HAND. I WAS ALSO PUT ON A 325MG DOSE OF ASPIRIN ONCE A DAY EVERY DAY FOR LIFE. VON AND MY FAMILY ESCORTED ME OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. TO MY DELIGHT I MUST ADD. I WAS DRIVEN HOME BUT THE ENTIRE RIDE WAS BRIGHT. I MEAN I NEEDED SHADES BRIGHT.

WE FINALLY ARRIVED AND THE DOGS WERE RIGHT THERE TO WELCOME ME.  VON HAD EVERYTHING IN PLACE FOR ME. NOW I WAS HOME BUT I WAS ROBBED OF SOME THINGS THAT I HAD TAKEN FOR GRANTED.   THINGS LIKE USING THE BATHROOM, REALLY. HAVING TO GO AND THEN TELLING YOUR BODY TO GO. A FEAT THAT REQUIRED A FEW CLEAN UPS WHEN I DIDN’T GET IT RIGHT. I REMEMBER WAKING UP BUT NOT BEING ABLE TO MOVE MY BODY. IT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE ANYONE COULD HAVE. FOR THE FIRST 2 MONTHS. I WAS RETRAINING MYSELF. I NOW WALKED WITH A SLIGHT LIMP. MY FACE SAGGED ON ONE SIDE. I SLEPT AT ODD TIMES AND WOKE AT ODD TIMES. THE MOST HORRIFIC THING THAT HAPPENED WAS MY COULD WORK LIKE I DID BEFORE. EVEN WHEN I WANTED TO, I COULDN’T BECAUSE I WAS STILL STUCK. HAVING TO GO TO APPOINTMENT AFTER APPOINTMENT. THAT WAS MY NEXT HURDLE. THANKS TO THE ALL MIGHTY. I HAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO HELP. SO, I HAD TO MAKE A CHOICE. EITHER I WOULD LIVE TO MY BEST ABILITY OR DIE IN SELF PITY.

DEPRESSION

I SAY THIS BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS MY NEXT FOE. I HAVE HAD BOUTS WITH DEPRESSION IN THE PAST AND I SOUGHT HELP AND GOT DIRECTION. THIS WAS A DIFFERENT KIND OF DEPRESSION. THE KIND THAT MADE ME HAVE TO DECIDE TO LIVE OR DIE EVERY DAY.  FROM MY PAST EXPERIENCES. I KNEW THE SIGNS OF DEPRESSION. SO, I INFORMED MY PHYSICIAN AND HE GOT ME ON TRACK WITH A NEW COUNSELOR AND A R/X SCRIPT FOR DEPRESSION. I AM GLAD HE DID TO, BECAUSE OF HIS ACTIONS. I WAS GIVEN CLARITY WHEN I  NEEDED IT THE MOST. INSTEAD OF MY EMOTIONS FLUCTUATING AND LEAVING ME FEELING HELPLESS. I STARTED TO SEE THE CUES THAT CREATION WAS GIVING ME. HOPE SLOWLY BUT SURELY CAME TO BE MY FRIEND.  THE EXPERIENCE MADE ME THANKFUL FOR EVERYTHING I HAD BEEN THROUGH. 

I WAS FORCED TO LIVE IN REALITY. I HAD TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON THAT I WAS ANYMORE. I HAD TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND , BECOME ME. MEANING STRESS AND ANXIETY COULD NOT BE MY PLAYGROUND ANYMORE. MEANING THAT NOTHING IS MORE VALUABLE THAN THIS PRECIOUS LIFE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH MONEY IN THIS WORLD. THERE’S NOTHING THAT I WOULD INTENTIONALLY DO TO BRING ON ANOTHER STROKE. MY DIET HAS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER, JUST LIKE MY SLEEP HABITS.  EVEN MY WATER INTAKE IS MONITORED AND MAINTAINED ON A DAILY BASIS. THERE ARE NO LIES OR LIARS IN MY LIFE. I NEVER LEND WHAT I CAN’T AFFORD TO LOSE. I LIVE IN THE NOW AND I ONLY VISIT THE PAST AND POSSIBILITIES.

I AM THANKFUL !

 

* To my Home and friends at Bond Community Health Care Center. I thank every one of you for getting me stabilized and to the hospital. Without the prompt care. Who knows where I would be?  

 

*I would like to thank my team of doctors at Tallahassee Memorial Hospital. You saved my life and I appreciate you and the Great Care.

 

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